Trash the Dress Bridal Shower!

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My bff (referred to as “Penny” in my  book, “Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s”) is getting remarried next month! Here we are at her bridal shower this past weekend. It was an intimate lunch with close friends. No big party needed this time around!

Here’s more proof of love and marriage post-divorce in your 20s. Happily ever after in your 30s!

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Penny and me. If you’re a Hanson fan like we are, then you’ll appreciate that caption.

 

Sarah’s Divorce Party Cake

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Trash the Dress private Facebook support group member Sarah just threw herself a divorce party.

How fabulous is this cake?!

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Here’s the Cosmopolitan Middle East Article Featuring Trash the Dress

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Here’s the Cosmopolitan Middle East Article Featuring Trash the Dress author Joelle Caputa and our support group member, Briana! The 7 steps to divorce celebration are adapted from the book, which you can order on Amazon.

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Wishin’ and Hopin’ and Cheatin’ and Healin’

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One year ago I walked out on my husband. I often forget this part of my story. Although I was the one to walk out first, he was the one who asked for the divorce. My relationship was a broken record of “Andrea’s fault” so, even then, I thought walking out was a sign of weakness, not a moment of clarity or strength. After I found the infamous text from the infamous mistress, I realized my relationship was over and I had been lied to and betrayed. Our relationship was long since broken, but the tipping point of infidelity started my entire world on fire.

It’s been an entire year and I couldn’t be happier. Finally I’m the person I have always wanted to be. I’m assertive. I have power and control of my life. I, for the first time in 26 years, feel pretty. My divorce was the best-worst thing that ever happened to me. Without the shit-show I wouldn’t have grown into the bad-ass lady I am right now. With that said, I still struggle.

I am a person who looks to others’ stories to find answers, meaning, or the slightest moment of solace. I suppose that’s why I chose to blog about my experiences. Recently I have been trying to find articles about healing from cheating. The only thing I really find is how to make a relationship work after infidelity. Mine didn’t work (thank goodness), but the toil is still real.

Cheating is the suckiest thing you can do to another person. It’s a betrayal beyond belief and it really really hurts. Cheating isn’t about any emotional or physical interactions…it’s about secrets, deceit, deception, and the cowardice to not deal with the problems at hand. After you get past the fact your safe person destroyed the constructs of your monogamous relationship, you are left with an aftermath of duplicity. You and your ex’s friend circle is in shambles. No one wants to get in the middle of anything, and those who do are wrought with turmoil no matter how hard they try to help both parties. As time goes by, the memory of the bellicose ninety-day-divorce-waiting-period fades and everyone moves on with their lives. It’s not the same. The couple can’t be at parties together anymore. The friend group has to figure out who they are going to invite when. And eventually, the mistress becomes apart of the group and you see that smiling photo of her, where you once stood, on Facebook. And you cry, all the way home from the Apple store.

This is my reality and I’m still figuring out how to reconcile the thoughts and feelings surrounding the fear of replacement and my inability to trust, something I’ve never had before. I’m learning that there isn’t much to do with these issues except see the facts and sit with the emotional scars that are healing more and more everyday. I was not replaced because I do not want to be that body with his arm around. I know she isn’t better than me. I often want to explain this with “well I never went after a married man” but that’s a simple thought. I have worth that is absent of any comparison to another. And I do trust people when they earn it, and it is possible to earn it.

After writing this, I still don’t have the answer to this struggle. How do you let go of betrayal? How do you trust again? How do you stop laughing at mistress jokes (okay, this one will never happen…for purely clinical healing reasons of course…)? All I know is, as cliche as it sounds, time really does heal, which sucks because it takes a lot of time. Though, each day gets a little easier. Each day I am able to laugh a little more. And each day, the aftermath smoke from the fire settles and the air gets a little easier to breath. 

Trash the Dress featured in Cosmo Middle East

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Trash the Dress is featured in the Real Life cover story for Cosmo Middle East’s July/ August issue- out now. Read my interview and find out the seven phases of young divorce. The story also includes a spotlight on Trash the Dress member Briana!

Trash the Dress Featured on She Knows

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Husband-hunting is the worst part of a Christian upbringing– and a cause of young divorce! Read my interview, which features excerpts of the book at SheKnows. Read the article Christianity made me obsessed with finding a husband.

We’re finally on instagram!

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Follow @trashthedressbook on instagram for daily updates!

We’ll be posting excerpts from the book, inspiring quotes, spotlights on all the amazing twenty-something divorcees in our Faces of Young Divorce series and more.

See you there!

 

Divorceism

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How I Survived My Divorce Week

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My divorce was not pretty. No, pretty isn’t the right word. My divorce wasn’t even a mediocre looking-something-or-other. It was a tornado of emotional turmoil that I often struggle to put into words. It’s the same, way too common, story…husband has some sort of existential crisis, finds some new lady to fill that void, and leaves his wife. What made my divorce extra difficult was not the legal and financial aspect, but emotional. After my husband split, a huge gray cloud of depression fell over my head and followed me everywhere I went. No matter what I did, I couldn’t escape. Because of that, I chose to cut contact with my ex except for brief emails about paperwork. I did this for 8 months, and after 8 months we had to see each other for the first time at our court hearing. When I got our summons for court my body flooded with anxiety. My feet started tapping and my stomach twisted into knots as I stared at the date and floor number of the courthouse. How was I supposed to face him?

My two worries was that I was either going to break down, cry, and drive my car into a lake next or say something hurtful, sassy, but honestly hilarious (insert mistress joke here). My logic told me I didn’t want to do either, so I worked like crazy to make sure I didn’t. I rehearsed our interaction in my head and then decided to make my divorce week the most kick ass week I could.

I first took some time off from work and traveled home to see the family. I had a lot of time to be with my biggest support system and get spoiled by my mom. I then went back to my home aka sexy single girl apartment with sexy cats.

The day before the court date I went to a custom jewelry shop and had some of the diamonds taken out of my ring and made into a pendant. This was a very exciting process. I didn’t want a sketchy pawn-star to rip off my expensive band of diamonds, so I chose to create something that will always remind me of this hardship and how you can pull anything apart and make it into something beautiful and new.

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Divorce day! The court process went smoothly. He said 3 words to me and I was bubbly and polite and even talked weather with the court officer. I didn’t cry or make any angry ex-wife comments. Pretty much, I kicked ass and took names. I then walked a few blocks and got my divorce tattoo.

The quote is from one of my favorite songs by my favorite band, “Bright Lights” by Placebo. It says “A Heart That Hurts, Is A Heart That Works.” That has resonated with me for a long time, but even more now. I often get stuck in why this divorce hurt so much, and why eight months later it still hurts. But really, it’s supposed to hurt, and if it didn’t hurt, that might be more worrisome.

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The day after divorce day. I had a party…a straight up glitter stiletto, way too many shots, and delicious divorce cake party. It was phenomenal. I invited so many people, expecting 2 or 3 to show up. But so many people came out of the woodworks to support and party with me. Besides the congratulatory air of the party, the highlight was the cake. I stole a few aspects of other divorce cakes I found on the web and created this masterpiece. No only was it delicious, but just about every bartender and other tavern-goers came to take a picture of it.

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For eight months I feared my divorce week. I imagined a week of emotional crisis, and to be honest, it might have been that kind of week if I didn’t plan such meaningful and fun events with the best group of people I’ve ever known. I suppose when life gives you lemons, get a tattoo and eat chocolate cake.

Divorce Humor

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