Where Are They Now? | Amy’s Story

In my book, “Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s,” young divorcees speak out about why they got married and divorced and how they celebrated their new beginnings. In our new “Where Are They Now?” column of this website, catch up with twenty-something divorcees as they share details of their fabulous post-divorce lives years later.

amy

 

How old were you when you divorced? I was 29.

How old are you now? 30

Do you feel like you truly moved on from your divorce?  If so, how long did it take you and what factors contributed? I do feel as though I have finally moved on but it wasn’t until recently.  My ex-husband was very persistently trying to get into a relationship with me and reconcile over the summer.  He started apologizing for the terrible things he had done to me and answered all of the questions that I had.  I have to admit that he almost had me, he was pulling at my heart strings and it really almost worked and I almost caved and gave him a second chance.  I told him I needed sometime to really think about things so I backed off of him for about two weeks.  Within that amount of time he got “sick of waiting” and picked right back up with his girlfriend he broke up with to be with me.  I knew right then that he would always be a lying, cheating, sack of shit and he proved it all to me again.  I was upset and pissed at myself for even thinking it would work again but relived in the end that I once again saw him for who he really is and came to my senses.

 Is there anything you learned along the way that you wish you knew back then?  Of course! I wish I knew what a manipulative, lying, cheating, selfish and mean person he really is.  I had to learn all of that the hard way, by giving him my heart and having him stomp on it and treat it like total shit.

 Have you accomplished any particular goals since your divorce? After my separation, I had to move into my parents’ house with our son.  It was awful strain on my relationship with them.  I began immediately saving to move and it took me about a year and a half but I DID IT! I moved out in March with my son and will not ever be going back to live with them.  Our relationship is so much better now.  I am so proud of that accomplishment and am not afraid to toot my own horn about it.  It was a long road but I did it! 

How did you manage financial struggles (if any)? I am still managing financial struggles my ex-husband left me with.  He decided that opening an American Express card in my name and charge MY WEDDING AND ENGAMENT RING to it would be a great idea (plus various other expenses).  My child support is automatically deducted by the state from his paycheck and deposited into my account but I have to hound him every month for the AmEx payments which totals about $12,000.00.

Did you divorce through a lawyer or did you DIY divorce (and if so, how?) I did go through a lawyer.  In the end it was the best decision for me.  My ex-husband is so manipulative and intimidating that I knew that I couldn’t face him in court without help.  It cost a lot but I am glad that I had someone else to help me fight.

 Are you single or in a relationship? I am currently single and recently signed up for OkCupid to meet new people.  It has been going well so far and even though I have been burned so badly, I am still hopeful for the future.

How did you conquer post-divorce dating fears? I just decided to put myself back out there.  I believe in love and I believe it will find me.  I am ready to hold out for real love this time and be with someone that deserves me and will treat me and my son like we should have been treated all along.  I won’t give up!

What were your biggest fears about divorce and how did you deal with them? My biggest fear with my divorce would be how it would affect my son.  He was only one and a half years old  when we separated and almost three years old  when the divorce was final. He was so little he will only remember us apart, which I am thankful for.  I know so many people who were put in the middle of their parents’ divorce and have had an extremely hard time dealing with it even in adulthood.  I just try to take it one day at a time and be grateful that my ex is a good parent and is present in his life.  He was a terrible husband but he is a good dad.

Advice for new divorcees? It WILL get better, I promise.  As awful as things may be right now that is how much better they will become.  It is a LONG and tiring road with lots of bumps and tears along the way but there will be a day that you are relieved from the stress and can finally breathe.  And if you have kids and have to co-parent like I do, keep all of your focus on your child as hard as it is.  You never want them to feel caught in the middle or scared to talk to you because they might make you upset.  I don’t grill my son after he comes home from a weekend with his father and his girlfriend.  I just ask what he did and if he had fun. As long as he is happy to go with his father and is happy to see him that is all that matters right now.  I hope my son turns out to be NOTHING like his father and we have a long road ahead of us but right now I just want him to be a happy four year old, nothing more!

How are you celebrating post-divorce life? Becoming the person I was meant to be.  I am more comfortable in my own skin and do things that make ME happy.  I wanted to please my husband and become the perfect little trophy wife that he wanted and I totally lost my own sense of self.  I still have a lot of growing to do but I love how I am on the right path and am free from my ex-husband’s suffocating grip.

 Anything else you would like to add? I love this group (Trash the Dress) and have gotten some fantastic advice from women who really understand what it is like to go through something so terrible.  We are always there for each other any offering love and support.  It is a community of women who are all there for each other and always offer their advice or are just there to vent too. Also, remember self-care is vital on your road to recovery.  You HAVE to do things for you and that make you happy.  Mani/pedis, going to the movies (by yourself is actually pretty awesome), out for drinks with friends, having a good cry sometimes…the things that make you happy and make you feel good.  I had to treat myself to the things that I knew would put a smile on my face after so many tears had been there before.  Making yourself happy and putting yourself first are some stepping stones to healing!

Quote I recently fell in love with: I will not give up on love!

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